Sunday, December 5, 2010
Nitesh was about to hibernate his laptop and leave for home like usual at 7 pm, but today he had to stay back till midnight - for the clients in US relaized exactly when he was about to loggoff that an important metrics had to be published that very night.
Nitesh is a 30 year old engineer , slightly on the healthier side but certainly not obese. He always dressed as in a t-shirt and jeans , yes in office and even on Mondays illustrating his carefree attitude. He always made it a point to leave office by 7 pm so that he could pick up his wife Samina from her office , but today he did not mind stretching work till midnight as his wife was out of town and so anyways had to eat outside , at least canteen food would save him some bucks , though it would not be as delicious as that of a restaraunt but it served the purpose.
He was sitting in his cubicle preparing the metrics which was much awaited for in US. He was completely engrossed in the excel he had been preparing for years now, but something preoccupied his mind today and was competing with the excel to take the most of his mind. There was this vague feeling of fear in his mind . Something that told him that he should hurry home tonight. The feeling made him uncomfortable he was not used to fear , atleast not fear without any reason . Perhaps its was his wife whom he was missing after all it was the first time in 3 years post marraige when he was to spend a week away from her . He drank 5 cups of the tasteless coffee in a span of 2 hours thanks to this weird feeling which was preventing him to concentrate on excel .
12:00 am - perfect time to sleep with his wife's tugged in his arms as always , but tonight he was sending the mail with a sign of relief at sharp midnight to the clients . He logged off immediately to prevent any more inflow of work for that day, after all it was 5 hours beyond his usual time of work an also the fear which was getting intense and he was not sure why .... He picked up his laptop in a state of confusion and hoped his wife was safe at her parents house, it was too late to call her now anyways so he could only hope . With all this confusion he got into lift of the 30 floor building where he worked. The building was modern in all aspect , after all it was completed a few months ago and was designed by the posh team which had earlier designed the tallest tower of the world. Nitesh loved every aspect of his job and this building was a part of the sense of accomplishment , the confidence that he is finally on the road to success. each time he left the office and stepeed in the lift , he would smile to himself and would enjoy this feeling of acheivement. Today like everyday he was enjoying the feeling of success , his eyes were shining with pride if only anyone saw them for he was alone in the floor , in the lift and perhaps in the building too, after all friday nights are not very popular for working late . Suddenly the lift stopped at th 13th floor. He felt comforted in the thought that some other person was also working at such a late hour on a friday night .
The lift doors slides open and all he saw was darkness, he could not see anything at the floor it was pitch dark .Well he knew that the building had some floors which were under construction but why was it so dark and why did the lift stop there. He pressed the >< button , but the damm button wouldn't work . He was getting impatient , it was as if someone was watching him , someone who was hiding under the blanket of darkenss, but why would anyone in the right mind do that. He was not sure why was he feeling insecure and helpless, was it the darkenss or just a tired mind. He had to press the emergency button afterall it was more than 5 minutes since the lifet remained there stuck in infinitiy , staring at the infinite darkenss.
Finally he managed to reach the ground floor and headed straight to catch an auto . As luck would have it he could not find a single auto that night , though it was well pass midnight, but the last thing he had anticipated was walking home at such a late hour. Thankfully his house was not that far and he could reach home in the next 30 minutes. He had this feeling that he was losing everyting , the feeling of life being sucked out of him . He started quanteplating why was his mind insecure suddenly .He sincerely was mising his wife, he had to call her right then , and he reached out to his pocket only to find that he had forgotten the phone in his office . He was too tired to walk back to office and get it, he could always collect it the next day.
Nitesh loved cozy evening walks, in his courtship days with Samina, they used to go for long walks at midnight , romancing in the chilly weather of Delhi. Tonight inspite of the feeling of insecurity, he could not help but enjoy the beauty of the night. The Leaves rustling among themsleved whispering to each other like couples do . The sweet wind carelessing the face , the moon shining bright and a not soul to be seen on the road. It was indeed very romantic. He knew he had to take Samina to such walks again, it had been quite some time since they both had a romantic walk , after marraige they both were crazy working to climb the success ladder . He was annoyed to think that the last romantic moment they shared was almost a year back .
Just as when he was begining to enjoy the weather, he reached his house and was filled with frustation again. There was a power cut and he had to climb 5 floors to reach his cozy bed. While on the stairs he was feeling uneasy, his mind was again filled with insecurity , he begin to feel like a lost balloon in the sky, aimless and totally out of control. The only good thing was , surprisingly he was not exhausted while climbing the stairs , perhaps the recent physical activity at the gym was finally reflecting on his stamina. he was just about to reach the third floor , when he saw a couple of shadows , standing in the lobby, A family perhaps he saw a man , woman and a child. They just remained their standing , staring at him right into his eyes. Due to the darkness he could not see them totally, His body turned cold and he sensed a strange cold gush of air out of nowhere.Why were they standing there at such late an hour. His sense of civic responsibility was coaxing him to ask if they needed help, though all he wanted to do was to get back to the safety of his apartment.
He walked towards them and asked if they wanted any help, but they still remained motionless like a mannequin except for the fact that they were all smiling, at him now. They had the " I know something, which you don't " look. Their eyes were penetrating deep inside him . He felt as if they knew everything about him and were laughing at his ignorance . He couldnt take that stare any longer, if they required help they would have said so expicitely atlest hinted at it .He climbed up to the 5th floor as soon as he could and rammed the main door and locked it hurriedly, as if he knew someone was there outside waiting to walk in. and this scared him .
The power was still out, and as he lay in darkenss in his bed staring at nothing but darkness , he could not get over the family, who were they and why did all of them had that grin on thier face. He really missed his wife , if only she was there beside him tonight. He could not sleep , as his mind was occupied with insecurity and fear . He was not sure why was he feeling like this tonight, everthing was fine till he was in the office, rather he was in the best of his spirits as a project in which he was working on since the last couple of months was finally about to yield results. He got up and stood in the balcony perhaps fresh air would help him get some sleep.
Unlike him Samina was very spiritual and believed in spirits and all sorts of unnatural phenomenon which cannt be explained yet by science. She used to say that there are spirits all around and she felt that this buiding was haunted, ofcourse he never believed her, not that he does now. He was just quantplating things, the family he saw still occupied his mind,could they be spirits haunting the building. He laughed at himslef, he actually was thinking that he saw spirits. A restless mind and power cut could really make a man think all sort of things specially when his wife is all the time talking about ghosts and haunting stories
He was sure if he tell her about the family, she would be sure that they were spirits and were haunting the building , ofcourse Nitesh was brave to look at them and still be alive. How he wished she was there/ Her thought always bought a smile on his face ,and on this particular time he was more laughing thinking about the conversations they would be having when she comes back . Just as when his mood was calming down with the thought of Sabina, he saw the family - three of them again, this time they were on the road in front the apartment he livedin, and were staring at him . He was not sure of what should he do or how he should react. He walked back into his apartment into the dark room , he was scared again .
He went back to his bedroom and just wanted to sleep , why were they staring him like that , who were they , did he know them , were they trying to say something to him perhaps warn him of something. He was getting restless. He was feeling week too , as if his energy was being sucked out every minute every second , but that perhaps was, because he was too tired and the night had not really been how his friday nights go in general. he had forced his eyes shut , but nothing would ease his mind and put him to sleep. Suddenly he heard footsteps in the living room , like the ones a formal leather shoes would make . He must be thinking a lot of things, he assured himself that there was no one there and thus these foot steps are a figment of his imagination..
All he did for next 5 minutes was roll from one corner of the bed to the other, though the foot steps were not completely gone but were less infrequent and he had got used to ignoring it. As he rolled next time to face the door of his bedroom ,he turned pale and stood up shocked. He was not sure of what he saw ! Did he actually show a face there peeping inside , Gosh he really was too tired perhaps.
He looked at the wall clock it was almost 4 am in the morning and he felt dead , deprived of sleep and energy. He wanted to go to the next room and be assured that there was no one there and the foot steps and the face were just a result of a tired and insecure mind but his mind which was insecure when he left office was exhausted now . He felt as if he have had no food since days not that he was hungry but he was just too deprived of energy. He lied down again , he was not sure of what was happening, he was as if in a state of transition. . The footsteps in the next room were getting fainter. Each passing minute made him weaker, he was not sure what was happening. to him . All he could do was lie down on his bed.
He laid in his bed exhausted forcing himself to sleep , but still could only just lie there motionless .speechles . He looked at the clock it was 5 am , the whole night had passed and he did not sleep. He could not even move now, infact he could not even feel his body. He was now worried , he could not do anything he felt trapped and suffocated. Then he saw was that family again the man , the woman and the kid staring at him , this time beside his bed , and their face also looked exhausted but they were pale and this time their face reflected peace after all the time they had been waiting for since last night had finally arrived.
The headlines of newspaper read - Nitesh(30) a promising young Engineer of an leading IT company and a family comprising of Natnalaal (40) ,Sheela(35) and Tarun (10) died of a lift mishap . The lift got stuck at the 13th floor and then the pulley holding the lift broke crashing Nitesh as the lift fell directly from 13th floor to basement . Nitesh was killed on the spot liitle after midnight yesterday. Whereas the family was on an adjacent lift whose pulley also broke in a similar manner killing the family on the spot a little after midnight. A investigation is under process.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Happiness is a seemingly complex word. The definition of words like these is very subjective. Those who are madly in love would associate this word with a person, those in abject poverty would associate this with food, those who are rich would associate this with peace. Hence I would want to define or rather specify the "happiness" I am talking about. I am talking about happiness which is not associated with anything but pure joy. We all must have seen a baby laughing, that laugh is what pure joy is and that's the kind of happiness I am talking about. Then there are those people who have a very peaceful smile, the kind of smile that reflects pure joy. If we look around you would see that unfortunately not many people even smile these days and if you know them you would realize that the smile has been suppressed by fear /worries, in fact I was one among them too.
All of us have a habit to associate happiness with our dreams/wants/desires, which is fine in the sense that when we achieve that dream we are happy I do not deny that, but this happiness is very short lived, because we soon have another new dream, another want or desire and we are again sad till we achieve that. Dreams are good because they motivate us to go a step higher, they force us to work that extra hour to achieve our goal , but we should not associate happiness with a specific goal or dream. Happiness is divine and not defined by any object living or abstract. Let me take a few specific examples (the names hypothetical)
a) Love - A person in love always associates happiness with his/her love. Anurag and Seema are a happily married couple. Anurag seems to define happiness with respect to seema, which is obvious because your life partner is a major source of happiness but the problem is he defines "all" his happiness with respect to seema. Love never dies but in the practical world people do, and people also meet unfortunate accidents and above all people do change.
I am as much a believe of love as any other guy, but what i question is life revolving around one person , happiness being defined with respect to one person. I have seen couples madly in love - of two kinds, one who are so into each other that everything they do is inter related, their sense of existence itself is defined by the other person. Such people face a lot of trouble when things do not go as per their plan. The other kind of couple is that who in spite of their immense love for each other have a life in which their partner is not involved, their partner is a major reason for their happiness but not the only one, and unfortunately if life does not go as planed they are separated then they are able to exist and live though the rest of their life with a smile, even though the love has nor died nor have they stopped missing their love's presence.
b) materialistic object - many of us associate happiness with wealth for example, but would this happiness reflect as pure joy and even if it does would it last long. Wealth and objects of value do bring a smile on our face bur we should remember that they are not the only source of happiness in our life.
We all are human and thus the tendency to get swayed by materialism and I am no exception. I do want to have a loving wife and accumulate a lot of wealth, but that said, they are not the only source of happiness for me . I may not be able to materialize all my dreams but that does not take away my sense of happiness. As my joy is not tied to any one object or person. I am happy as long as I want to be.
I realized this a couple of years ago when one incident forced me to reflect upon happiness. I questioned my sense of happiness and realized if my happiness is tied to one object or person, I shall always have the fear of being unhappy. I decided to untie my happiness and am glad that now my sense of happiness is in the small things of life like talking to an old friend , reading a book, painting or blogging :)
Happiness which is not tied to one object/person is eternal and that reflects as pure joy on their faces. Those who really want to be happy need to realise this and enforce this on their daily life. Initially its more of a rule you have to abide by, you don't let any event take away your happiness for a long time, you ensure that you always have something to smile about,even if that something is as meaningless as being happy because the day is bright and sunny. once this is registered in your mind you would see the difference , you would sense the peace of pure joy. That does not mean we do not pursue our dreams or accomplish our materialistic needs , all it means is we do not tie our happiness to a particular dream/need.
Be Happy always as your smile surely brings happiness to many.
PS : I recently read a book titled "why god is laughing" by Deepak Chopra , a must read for those who want to experience pure joy .
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
We have this habit of complaining about almost everyone in our life. We are not happy with our parents, we are not happy with our friends actually we are not happy with ourselves. This leads to constant suffering beneath a smiling face. We start hating people who are perhaps much more than, what we see in them.
Monday, March 1, 2010
God gave us the gift of colors so as to add spice to our daily boring life ...
God gave us the festival of colors so that all of us can become one and celebrate his greatest gift "life" ..
God gifted us the festival of "holi" so that all of us can become one under the mask of gulal and celebrate love..
This Holi I Pray to god ,
for the ability to appreciate god's gift and celebrate life..
for the sanity of mind to love each and every from of life on earth and beyond..
for the peace of mind to be able to appreciate and find happiness within ...
Happy Holi Folks ...
May you have a colorful and safe Holi 2010..
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Some words are not spoken
Yet some people hear it all
Some tears do not flow out of our eyes
Yet some people wipe them off
Some questions are not asked
Yet some people answer them all
Some anger is not expressed
Yet some people come to pacify us
Some happiness is not reflected
Yet some people share it with us
Some help is not asked for
Yet some people offer everything they have
Some dreams are not shared
Yet some people help us turn them to reality
Some actions hurt everyone around
Yet some people tolerate it all
Some care is always not recognized
Yet the care always remains...
Some people always make our life special
Yet their life remains ignored...
"Guys these are the people who make Life worth living ... So take out time from you busy schedule and make sure that you make the life of these people, special just as they made yours .... "
Friday, January 15, 2010
They say we are Humane
but do we deserve to be labelled so?
It is the tree
which gives shelter to the very man that cuts it,
which is humane.
We are nothing but parasites leaving the father who supported us, to die in an old age home.
It is the Swan
which stays loyal to its partner for an entire life time,
which is humane.
We are nothing but parasites loyalty for us is just a label.
It is the Flower,
Which leaves fragrance on the very hands that crushes it,
Which is humane,
We are nothing but parasites vengeance is but our birth right.
It is the Dog,
Which remains faithful to the person who loves him,
which is humane.
We are nothing but parasites embarrassed of the old mother, who loves us despite all the pain we give her.
It is the Whale,
which always supports a sick member of their pod,
which is humane.
We are nothing but parasites completely ignorant of the fellow humans who suffer everyday.
It is the Monkey,
which picks through the fur of other monkeys,
which is humane.
We are nothing but parasites we help only if we see a future gain.
They still say that we are humans,
but I refuse to accept it for I now know, we are but Parasites,
feeding on everything around us,
Killing the very thing that supports us.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
He knew Arjun way before the situations became dark. He had always respected Arjun’s ideology. Arjun was one of the top performers of the batch, a keen learner and had been a great friend to Krishna in the past two years. Now there was this fight going inside him, friend vs angry lover- The friend wanted to know what happened and the angry lover was deriving sadistic pleasure from Arjun’s sufferings.
Minutes later he was there in the dark corner of the terrace, sitting beside Arjun, with eyes reflecting both anger and compassion. Arjun was more lost, he was not sure how to react, he could see the anger in Krishna's eyes, he knew the pain Krishna was going through was the same Rakesh was going through too. Krishna saw a bottle of vodka in front of Arjun, he couldn’t but help himself, after all some discussions are possible only after a few doses of intoxication. “Arjun, why are you doing this, Why did you have to come in between Shilpa and Rakesh? Do you even know how it feels when A guy sees his ex girlfriend walking hand in hand with another guy? Life becomes hell?” Krishna spoke with disguist in his voice.
Arjun knew that Krishna actually wanted answers to the puzzle of his life. He knew that Krishna actually wanted to know why did Harsha do this to him. Arjun knew Krishna and genuinely wanted to explain his position, specially since no one else cared to ask him, no one else cared to understand what was happening in his mind. Krishna was the first person who asked him these questions.
Arjun kept staring at the empty sky perhaps avoiding direct contact with Krishna as there are certain things in life which cannot be justified, ”Krishna, there are certain questions in life to which we do not have answers. I don’t think I cannot give you any logical explanation as to why things happened in such a bizarre way. I just fell in love with Shilpa, and so did she with me . If she was happy and satisfied in the relation with Rakesh , I would have never articulated my love for her. I saw her suffocating, I saw her in pain. I could see all these.” He looked at Krishna, and saw him listening to all this with utmost attention.
Krishna was wandering whether Rupa left him for the same reason. He always thought that he gave her all the space, he did all that she wanted him to, than why? What did Harsha have that he lacked.
Arjun knew that Krishna was trying to fill the gaps of his life’s puzzle with his answers,“She found in me what she searched in Rakesh but could not find. It took a lot of thought to take a step like this, but Krishna isn’t it better to tolerate pain for some time and happiness for a lifetime, rather than avoiding this pain and living a life of pain ?” Arjun now was getting answers to his own questions. He wandered how the human mind functions, his mind was blank when he was all alone, but now when he is answering to Krishna his mind has all the arguments in place.
Krishna spoke, “but Arjun , isn’t is unfair to Rakesh? C’mon he is heartbroken. What about him? he may not find love forever? He may not trust anyone else again.” His voice was heavy reflecting his intense emotions. Arjun realized that these are the very questions Rakesh must be having . These are the very emotions Rakesh must be filled with. Though he still failed to understand that if Rakesh loved Shilpa so much How could he defame her now? How could he make public the secrets shared between them as couple and also his secrets which he had told him when they were the best of friends.
“Krishna yes perhaps it is unfair, but even if I had not been in the picture, their relations would have been called off, they simply did not share the necessary chemistry. Even if they managed to get married they would not have been happy as they were so opposite in their thinking, their priorities in life were all mismatched. Isn’t it better that they part ways now for a better future.” Arjun wanted to continue, but Krishna cut him , “ Yaar it could have been just a bad phase, may be they would have tided over it”.
Arjun was at peace in a way as atleast he could have conversation with someone who reflected the same thoughts as that of Rakesh and at the same time Krishna was trying to understand the entire situation through someone who was in a place similar to that of Harsha. He had nothing but hatred for Harsha and although he could not hate Rupa, he could not wish her well either, after all he was a mortal.
“Krishna, I do not know if I can answer all your questions but I am glad we are having this conversation as I can now understand the pain and agony of Rakesh, I wish someone would talk to him the same way I am talking to you .” Krishna was not in a mood to appreciate these words, he wanted answers to the injustice that happened to him.
Arjun continued,”You know people change over time, all of us do. We evolve with the situations we are put into. Only those relations which change their chemistry in accordance to the change in the couple, survives, rest either perish or suffocate themselves. Over the past 2 years both Shilpa and Rakesh changed, but their change was not synchronous, their change was not acceptable to each other. They did try to work it out but things didn’t work as per their wish. They were both not really happy with the relation, and when I realized that I and Shilpa shared a relation which was beautiful which brought happiness to both of us ? We could not but carry forward this feeling. Krishna, feelings are not switches which can be switched on and off, neither are they easy to tame.”
Krishna was getting uneasy, he wandered what changed in him and Rupa that led to her falling in love with Harsha. He wandered where did he go wrong? It had been more than 2 months since Rupa had told him about Harsha, but he still could not find the answer to what kindled this, what forced her to leave him after 4 years? What is that one thing that he lacks and harsh has? He spent sleepless nights comparing himself and Harsha. He now thought perhaps Arjun was right, perhaps Rupa is happier with Harsha than she was with him. But in the entire episode he is the loser, atleast they both are happy but what about him? He looked at Arjun, and realized what Arjun had said that they actually were getting their answers from each other. He saw shades of Harsha in Arjun and he knew that Arjun was understanding the agony of Rakesh through him. He said ,” But what about Rakesh, great to know that you and Shilpa are happy with each other , but what about him ? he loses everything? Just because you bumped into their peaceful life.” There was sarcasm in his voice, he wished he could rephrase the question.
Arjun did not expect sarcasm from Krishna, in days which were normal he would have replied with an equal sarcasm or atleast would have showed a little bit of anger, but the days were not like before,today Krishna was the only guy who came and spoke to him since his love for Shilpa was made public by Rakesh. More than this it was through him that Arjun was trying to understand Rakesh. He said in a composed yet firm tone, “If they had to live their life together just because of their commitment despite knowing that they are not happy with each other. They would have to live forever by compromising. The little comfort left in their relation would have been completely erased and only the feeling of hatred would be there, they would have become completely void of happiness. Would that have been better? Now at least there is a hope that I and Shilpa would be be Happy? And Rakesh has an opportunity to start afresh, yes it is unfair to him, but Krishna certain things are not in our control, Like I said feelings are not Switches. If not now,he would have known one fine day that she fell in love with me. Then could he live a happy life? Life would have been more unfair to him then, it’s better that he came to know now atleast he has time to recover and start again.” Arjun was not sure if what he said made sense to Krishna, but he had thought over this umpteen number of times. He tried to look at this from all the possible perspectives before he told about this to Rakesh. Everytime he reached the same conclusion that now atleast there is a hope for happiness.
The night was coming to an end, a new dawn was about to be born. The environment was similar to Krishna’s mind. When he came here at midnight he had nothing but hatred in his mind for Harsha and was having double thoughts about his friendship with Arjun just like many others. Now however after listening to Arjun his perception was changing, he was trying to accept the fact that no one is at fault. Human mind behaves absurdly at times. We love and hate many people without any logical reason I guess that’s why they are called emotions. He had realized maybe he is no less than Harsha but there was something between Rupa and Harsha, which simply did not exist between Rupa and him. He was beginning to drive out the hatred in his mind and the bitterness in his soul. He realized that its better that he is facing the situation now, what if he had got married to Rupa and they had kids and then he was told about Rupa’s love for Harsh. Things would have been catastrophic then. He was glad he talked to Arjun instead of behaving like other friends who deserted him right when he needed them the most. He thought love was after all a beautiful feeling not a sense of achievement, so what if he could not achieve Rupa, this did not change his love for her. Atleast she would be happy and he knew he would be too.
The bottle of Vodka was empty now, and so was Arjun’s mind. When he came to terrace he was doubting all his decisions, now after talking to Krishna he knew he took the right decision. He understood the reason behind Rakesh’s vengeance. He knew now that Rakesh must have been in terrible agony hence he took the ghastly steps of publicizing their secrets. He wished that someone would answer Rakesh’s questions too just like he answered Krishna’s, perhaps things would have been better.
We should never draw inference of a situation based on what people say, we should remember that every coin has two sides.
Love is not the feeling of accomplishment it is not about achieving. It can never be forced on or off a person,It’s not about reciprocation Instead It’s a beautiful feeling which comes in the right time, right place for the right person. It’s a feeling that makes us smile and wish happiness for the person we love even if that results in tears in our own eyes.